Supporting Someone You Love

When someone you love is struggling.

Watching someone you care about struggle with their mental health can leave you feeling worried, helpless or unsure of what to do.

You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You might find yourself constantly checking whether they're okay, trying to solve problems for them or wondering when you should step in and get professional help.

Supporting someone doesn't mean you need to have all the answers.

Often, some of the most meaningful things you can offer are your presence, patience and willingness to listen — while helping them connect with additional support when they need it.

You can care deeply about someone without being responsible for fixing everything they are going through.

Start by listening

When someone is struggling, it’s natural to want to make things better. You may immediately look for solutions, offer advice or try to convince them that everything will be okay.

Sometimes, though, what a person needs first is simply to feel heard.

Give them space to talk

Let them explain what they’re experiencing in their own words. You don’t need to completely understand or relate to their experience in order to listen.

Acknowledge how they feel

You can validate someone's emotions without pretending to have the answers. Simple responses can be enough:

“That sounds really difficult.”

“I’m here with you.”

“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay with me.”

“What would feel helpful right now?”

Try not to minimise their experience

Comments such as “just think positive,” “everyone feels like that sometimes,” “other people have it worse” or “you’ll be fine” may be intended as reassurance but can leave someone feeling misunderstood.

Don’t pressure them to talk

Let them know you're available without demanding that they open up. Sometimes knowing there is a safe person to return to can matter just as much as having the conversation immediately.

It's okay not to know what to say

You don't need the perfect response. You can simply say:

“I don't know exactly what to say, but I care about you and I'm here.”


Listening isn't doing nothing. Giving someone a safe place to be honest can be one of the most meaningful forms of support you offer.

Helping without trying to fix everything

When someone you love is struggling, it can be easy to feel responsible for making them feel better. Supporting someone, however, doesn’t mean you have to solve every problem or carry their mental health entirely on your shoulders.

  • Ask what they need

    Instead of assuming what would help, try asking. Sometimes they may want advice, while other times they might simply want company or someone to listen.

  • Offer practical support

    Mental health difficulties can make ordinary tasks feel overwhelming. Small things — helping with a meal, driving them to an appointment, going for a walk together or helping them organise something — can make life feel a little more manageable.

  • Support rather than take over

    When possible, involve the person in decisions about their own wellbeing. Helping someone maintain a sense of choice and independence can be important, particularly during recovery.

  • Encourage professional support

    You can be an important part of someone's support system, but you don't have to become their counsellor or clinician. If they're struggling significantly, encourage them to speak with a GP, therapist, mental health team or another appropriate professional.

  • Know when you need additional help

    There may be situations where someone's safety or mental state becomes too concerning to manage alone. Reaching out to professional or crisis services isn't abandoning them — sometimes it is the most supportive thing you can do.

  • Keep your own boundaries

    Caring about someone doesn't mean being available every minute of every day. It's okay to sleep, work, spend time with other people and look after your own wellbeing.

You can walk beside someone without carrying everything for them. Support works best when neither person has to disappear in the process.

Recognising when someone may need more help

Everyone has difficult days, but sometimes changes in someone’s mental health can signal that they need more support than friends or family can provide alone.

Pay attention to significant changes from what is normal for that person, particularly when they persist or become more intense.

Withdrawing from others

Becoming increasingly isolated, avoiding people they normally trust or losing interest in relationships and everyday activities.

Major changes in sleep

Sleeping significantly more or less than usual, staying awake for unusually long periods or experiencing a noticeable change in their normal sleep pattern.

Struggling with everyday life

Finding it increasingly difficult to work, study, maintain personal care, eat regularly, manage responsibilities or complete ordinary daily tasks.

Significant changes in mood or behaviour

Becoming unusually distressed, agitated, fearful, hopeless, impulsive or behaving in ways that are noticeably different from usual.

Changes in their experience of reality

Hearing or seeing things other people don't, becoming extremely suspicious or developing strong beliefs that appear disconnected from what others are experiencing may indicate a need for urgent mental health assessment.

Talking about death or suicide

Statements about wanting to die, disappearing, having no reason to live, being a burden or believing others would be better without them should always be taken seriously.

Trust your concern

You don't have to diagnose someone or be completely certain about what is happening before asking for professional advice.

If you know the person well and something has changed significantly enough to concern you, reaching out to a health professional or mental health service can help you decide what to do next.

If someone appears to be experiencing an urgent mental health crisis, contact your local Mental Health Crisis Team. If there is immediate danger or urgent medical help is needed, call 111.

When they don’t think they need help

Sometimes the person you’re worried about may not recognise that their mental health has changed. They may believe they are completely fine, disagree with your concerns or become upset when you suggest getting help.

This can be confusing and frightening for the people around them, particularly when the changes are significant.

Stay calm

Try to keep conversations calm and respectful. Becoming confrontational, raising your voice or repeatedly arguing about whether something is “real” may increase distress or make the person less willing to accept your support.

Focus on what you’re noticing

Instead of trying to diagnose them, talk about specific changes you’ve observed.

You might say:

“I’ve noticed you haven’t been sleeping much lately and you seem really overwhelmed.”

“You don’t seem like yourself at the moment, and I’m worried about you.”

“I know you might not agree with me, but I care about you and I’d like us to get some support.”

Focus on how they feel

You don't necessarily need to agree with someone's interpretation of what is happening in order to acknowledge their emotions.

If they're frightened, you can respond to the fear: “That sounds really frightening. I can see this is affecting you.”

Ask for professional advice yourself

You don't always have to wait for the person you're concerned about to be the one who reaches out. Family and whānau can contact health or mental health services for advice about what they are observing and what the appropriate next step may be.

Know when the situation has become urgent

If the person appears significantly disconnected from reality, is becoming increasingly unwell, is unable to care for themselves, or you are concerned about their safety or someone else's, seek urgent professional advice.

For an urgent mental health crisis, contact the local Mental Health Crisis Team. If there is immediate danger or urgent medical help is needed, call 111.


You may not be able to convince someone that they need help. Sometimes your role is simply to notice that something has changed, stay connected and know when to involve people who are trained to help.

Looking after yourself while supporting someone

When someone you love is struggling, it can be easy for their wellbeing to become your entire focus. You may feel guilty taking time for yourself, worry about leaving them alone or feel as though you should always be available.

But supporting someone does not mean your own wellbeing stops mattering.

Give yourself permission to take breaks

You are allowed to rest, see friends, go to work, enjoy yourself and continue living your own life. Taking time away does not mean you care any less.

Set healthy boundaries

It is okay to decide what you can and cannot reasonably provide. You might be able to listen and offer support without being available at every hour or taking responsibility for every decision.

Share the responsibility

If possible, involve other trusted family members, whānau, friends or professionals. One person should not have to become someone's entire support system.

Talk about how you're feeling

Supporting someone through a difficult period can bring fear, frustration, sadness, exhaustion and sometimes even anger. Having these feelings doesn't mean you don't love the person. Consider talking with someone you trust or seeking professional support for yourself.

Look after the basics

Try to protect your own sleep, meals, movement, relationships and routines. These things can become easy to neglect when you're worried about somebody else.

Recognise what you cannot control

You can listen, encourage, support and seek help when necessary. But you cannot control another person's thoughts, choices or recovery.

Know when you need help too

If supporting someone is significantly affecting your own mental health or ability to function, you deserve support as well.


Looking after yourself isn't abandoning the person you love. It helps make your support more sustainable — and reminds you that your wellbeing matters too.

Creating a support plan together

When someone is feeling relatively well, it can be helpful to talk about what support they would want if their mental health became more difficult in the future.

Having these conversations before a crisis can reduce uncertainty and help everyone understand what to do.

Recognise their warning signs

Talk about changes that may indicate they're becoming unwell. These could include changes in sleep, withdrawing from others, becoming increasingly anxious or distressed, unusual thoughts or beliefs, changes in mood or difficulty managing everyday life.

Know what usually helps

Ask what they find comforting or useful when they're struggling. Some people want company, while others need quiet, practical help or support contacting a professional.

Know what doesn't help

It can be equally useful to discuss things that make difficult moments worse — such as arguing, overwhelming them with questions, having too many people around or pressuring them to talk.

Keep important contacts together

Make sure trusted people can easily access relevant contact information, such as their GP, mental health team, psychiatrist or other healthcare professionals.

Decide when additional help should be sought

Talk about what changes would mean it's time to contact a health professional rather than continuing to manage things at home.

Make a crisis plan

Discuss what should happen if they become seriously unwell or are unable to recognise that they need help. Include who should be contacted, where important information is kept and which crisis service covers your area.

Include the person's wishes

Where possible, involve the person in these decisions while they're well. A support plan should help preserve their voice and preferences, not simply become a list of decisions other people make for them.


A support plan can't predict every situation. Its purpose is to make difficult moments a little less confusing by deciding some of the important things before they're urgently needed.

A note from AMR Mindset

When someone is struggling with their mental health, the people who continue showing up can matter more than they realise.

Support doesn’t always mean knowing what to say or being able to make things better. Sometimes it’s the person who sends another message when the first one went unanswered. The person who sits beside you without expecting a conversation. The person who notices when something has changed and cares enough to ask.

There may also be times when caring for someone means making a difficult decision — encouraging professional help, contacting a mental health service or asking for support when the person you love cannot recognise that they need it themselves.

You won't always get everything right. Neither will they.

What matters is creating space for compassion, communication and appropriate support while remembering that you are a person in this too.

You can love someone deeply, stand beside them through difficult times and still recognise that you cannot carry their mental health alone.

When you’re seriously worried about someone

Sometimes supporting someone means recognising when the situation has moved beyond what friends or family can safely manage alone.

If someone’s mental health has changed significantly, they appear disconnected from reality, are unable to care for themselves, are extremely distressed, or you’re concerned about their safety, seek professional support.

You do not need to have a diagnosis or know exactly what is happening before asking for help.

  • Mental Health Crisis Team

    If someone is experiencing an urgent mental health crisis, contact their local Mental Health Crisis Team for assessment and advice. Family and whānau can also reach out when they are concerned about someone.

    Find your local crisis team → 

  • 1737 – Need to Talk?

    Free, confidential support from trained counsellors is available 24/7 in New Zealand.

    Call or text 1737

  • Immediate danger

    If you or someone else is in immediate danger or needs urgent medical help, call emergency services.

    Call 111
View all support resources →

You don’t have to know exactly what to do. Sometimes the most important thing is recognising when you need other people to help too.